The hurt inevitably comes…
You always marry someone who triggers every unhappiness you had as a child.
It’s not punishment. It’s not karma. It’s not a mistake. It is the psyche's invitation to complete what was once unfinished. What we call love often begins with familiarity. The nervous system recognizes what it’s known—sometimes mistaking chaos for connection, or inconsistency for intimacy. So what is it? It’s the opportunity to see yourself more clearly through another’s mirror. It’s the unconscious meeting the conscious, demanding integration. It’s not about finding someone who never hurts you—it’s about finding someone willing to grow beside you when the hurt inevitably comes.
From a love perspective, this is evolution. Love, real love, does not fear the mirror. It leans in. It allows discomfort to deepen connection. It isn’t perfection—it’s presence. It is not the absence of wounds, but the willingness to tend to them with tenderness. Love says, “I choose you. Even when it’s hard. Especially when it’s hard. And I choose to keep growing, with you and within myself.”
From a fear perspective, this sounds dangerous. Fear says, “Protect. Escape. Shut down.” It warns you that repeating the past means more pain. It confuses healing with suffering. But fear isn’t the enemy—it’s the child within still trying to feel safe. It wants to know: will you protect me this time, even if they don’t?
From a sadness perspective, this is grief. Grief for what was missing. For the love you didn’t receive in the way you needed. Grief that says, “How many times must I repeat this pattern before it becomes love instead of pain?” This sadness isn’t weakness. It is remembrance. It is your soul acknowledging what it has carried and what it longs to release.
From a psychotherapy perspective, this is attachment theory in motion. It is re-enactment, projection, defence mechanisms—all the beautiful, messy architecture of the human mind trying to make sense of what it never understood. Therapy says: let’s slow down. Let’s look again. Let’s understand, not blame. Let’s integrate, not isolate.
From a soul perspective, this is sacred. You didn’t just attract this partner—you called in a curriculum. This person is not your enemy; they are your assignment. Not to fix, but to awaken. Soul contracts are not romantic—they are revelatory. They say, “I will be the one to crack you open, if you will let me.” Some stay. Some go. But all serve.
From a quantum science perspective, you are collapsing probability waves into particles every time you choose. Every trigger is a frequency you carry. Resonance draws resonance. And every time you choose differently, you shift timelines. The relationship becomes the field in which you transmute energy—trauma becomes transformation, emotion becomes motion.
From a money perspective, unconscious patterns cost you. The conflict, avoidance, co-dependence, burnout—it all bleeds into your earning potential, your sense of worth, your ability to receive. Healing your relational wounds clears stagnation in the flow of abundance. Emotional wealth creates financial spaciousness.
From a personal perspective, I’ve lived this. I’ve loved people who shattered the illusions I built to stay safe. I’ve cried in therapy rooms, blamed them, blamed myself, felt lost, felt found. But in time, I learned the medicine wasn’t in fixing the other—it was in remembering myself. Fully. Fiercely. Lovingly.
Final thoughts
The partner who triggers your deepest wounds is not a punishment—they are a possibility. The real question is not “Why is this happening to me?” but “What is this showing me about what still wants my love?” The old model was: find someone who completes you. The new model is: become someone who chooses healing—together.
6-Step Exercise to Transform the Pattern
Pause and Breathe
Notice the trigger. Don’t react. Just breathe. Let presence interrupt the pattern.Name the Emotion
Say what you feel: “I feel abandoned,” “I feel unseen,” “I feel unsafe.” Naming is reclaiming.Trace It Back
Ask: “Where did I first feel this?” Go to the root, not just the recent.Write a Letter to Your Inner Child
Let them know they are safe now. That you are here. That you choose them.Create a New Choice
Ask: “What would love choose now?” Then do that—even if it’s a small action.Get Support
You don’t have to do this alone. Healing in relationship often needs relational support. Choose therapy. Choose guidance. Choose softness.
Invitation to the Subconscious Mind
There is a space inside you that knows the way home. A quiet whisper that says, you don’t have to carry this alone anymore. Healing is not a luxury—it’s your birthright. Right now, without forcing, without fear, something inside you is opening to the idea that support could feel safe. That relief is possible. That this is the moment you were waiting for. If your body softens as you read this, if a part of you is saying “yes,” then maybe—just maybe—it’s time. A remote session with Nicoline isn’t about fixing you. It’s about remembering you. Trust the pull. Book now, if it feels right. And when you're ready, share a comment—kind words ripple into others' hearts, too.
Share Your Reflections: I’d love to hear how this story and these insights resonate with you. I read every single one and I respond!
Nicoline C Walsh
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